Conflicts of children. What to do?
The position of parents is one of the key factors that may cool or to catalyze childhood conflicts. Typically, children get along better when they believe that parents don’t play favorites and they rightly apply to all children. When parents constantly praised the success of one child and put it in another example, the relationship between children destroyed. This does not mean that parents should behave equally with all the children. In children of different age and gender needs are different and parents have to take it into account. If one of them needed the jacket, not necessarily another to buy something to wear. Needs a second child may be associated with sports, computer or anything else. Equity does not mean sameness.
Parents it is very difficult to keep an equal distance in relation to children, when there are marital conflicts. When parents don’t get along, they can no longer effectively communicate with children, and this leads to increased strife between brothers and sisters. In a situation of marital crisis children tend to take sides and fight with the supporters of the “enemy” camp.
Parents do not often show flexibility when it comes to intervention in the disputes of their children. Typical admonitions on the subject of “You’re the native people and therefore ought to love each other” usually do not do any good. From time to time all children have for each other feelings of anger, hatred and discontent. You must recognize this fact. Denying it leads to hostility driven “underground”, which is compounded by the additional burden of hatred and resentment, usugublyali sense of its incomprehensibility and possibly guilt about the strength of their forbidden feelings. Often bad feelings go underground together with sincere, good feelings. The result can be an armed neutrality, polite hostility or clearly feigned sweetness. Simple prohibitions on aggression does not usually lead to sincere and friendly relations.
Pointless also meticulous investigation on the topic “Who started all this?”. Children are masters of provocation, and the search for the true cause of the conflict is the surest way to come to a standstill. In most cases, parents should avoid the role of judge in skirmishes between children, as they often become places to attract their attention.
A widely used way of diverting children from conflict and switching them for something nice, for example, to go together to the amusement Park, unfortunately, provides only a temporary solution. Unresolved contradictions may emerge again and spoil all the fun.
What should parents do when they face such a difficult task as teaching children to cooperate with each other?
Practical recommendations for dealing with children’s conflict
First of all analyze your own behavior and attitudes to children. Of them to whom you closer emotionally? May be with someone of your children do you associate any particular expectations? One of them reminds you of your own parents? You’re waiting for the eldest child behaved like an adult, even if he is only seven years? You have a tendency to blame one child more than another? Even if the accusations appear to be well justified, it may indicate your bias. Does not cause you worry child on your spouse? If you are convinced that your spouse is too lenient, then you can compensate it for its rigor. None of you are objective in this situation. Try first to overcome their own bias to children’s conflicts.
Demand that the children had asked permission from each other before lending any thing or play with her. Help children accurately identify the boundaries of their own territory. What is intended for General use, and what belongs to each of them. This will relieve the owner from the constant threat of unwanted intrusion and will set the rules for the resolution of disputes.
Try not to intervene directly in disputes children if they are not at risk to hurt each other. Often in the children’s subsystem installs natural for their age hierarchy. If the question “do you Want me to help you resolve this dispute?” the children answer “no”, it is better to give them a chance to resolve on its own.
Help your children to negotiate. Be a mediator and not a judge in their disputes.
The first step is to describe the problem. For example: “we Have only one such game, and we both want to play it”. Most arguments happen because of resentment, ridicule, and injustice. Therefore, it is useful to ask each of the children to summarize the point of view of his opponent, to make sure he heard and understood.
The second step is to work together to find a possible solution. Ask the children to compile a list of possible ways and means of conflict resolution. Emphasize that none of them will play this game as long as both don’t come to an agreement. Encourage children respond to the question: “What should happen to your brother (sister) considered it a fair decision?”.
The third step is to adopt a final resolution of the dispute. If the matter is serious and the agreement is still not achieved, take out the problem on a “family Council” and use the resources of other family members.
Use a change of scenery for the reduction of emotional intensity: “I propose now to go into the kitchen and beg you not to leave until you resolve your dispute”. Often this simple action helps a few children to calm down and begin to discuss the problem.
Train your collaboration skills in a relaxed environment. Try with your children to remember you have already resolved the quarrel and the basic steps of conflict resolution. This rehearsal can be even funny. Praise both sides for their efforts, noting the slightest movement towards resolution of the controversy: “I liked it when you kept yourself and despite an offensive word, continued to discuss the situation. It’s great that you offered three variants of the solution.”
Create a special space for safe response of aggression. It can be mutual caricatures or cartoons, ritualized battles pillows. Forbid fights seriously outside the “five-minutes of hatred”, punishing both children without hearing “Who started first”.
Be sensitive to the feelings of your children. Dig deeper. Could be a conflict with my sister emerged as a way to Express negative feelings about something else? Maybe he had a rough day at school? Betrayed a friend? If you suspect that the basis of the argument is some other reason, we will talk about this with him personally. Your understanding of the emotional state of the child is the best guarantee to build a relationship with him and improve his behavior.