Between her husband and child
With surprise, resentment and fear to notice that her husband is cold to our child, who is four years. To me he is much better, warmer, than to him. There was a time when we dreamed together about the birth of a son. When it wasn’t, the husband excitedly told me how they will work together to do exercises, something to make, how he would teach his son to be a Man, etc. And now, when the child actually exists, the father does not communicate with the baby. Severely punished for the slightest offense, and I think (I’m afraid to admit it to yourself), experiencing the pleasure.
Sometimes mothers are laying the foundations for a “cool” relationship of the father to the baby. Very often, especially in the early days after birth, the mother, feeling the little one is incredibly close relationship, just don’t let father to him (“can You pass the germs from the street! You’re rude! You’re not holding that! You have stiff bristles! How clumsy you are! You smell like tobacco!”). Of course, this way you can discourage men all hunting to Potter with children, and he will quickly get used to the fact that his father needs help only in some cases.
In addition, often the woman all the attention was paid exclusively to the child. Husband’s problems, his feelings, experiences, thoughts leave not even for a second, and the twenty-second plan, the intimate life long resumes (which many men are very hard to transition). So, through no fault of the woman contributes to birth in the soul of the father destructive emotions: jealousy and revenge to the child. Now HE is not the favorite, only, welcome! Now not HE intended tender words, glances, caresses, playful tone! Now all the love, care and attention are this whiny creature, and only require money and responsibilities. And so since then the father begins an unconscious struggle with the “rival”, with pleasure resorting to punishment. Thus, the weaker the emotional connection between father and child, the easier it is to do.
And although the combination of the words “enjoys punishing the child” sounds blasphemous, psychological mechanism of its origin is quite simple:
1. So it’s easier just to relieve irritation over the fact that His (man, husband) pushed into the background.
2. Understanding of their impunity. In other words, the understanding that a child cannot fight back, do not dare to doubt the words, actions and deeds of a Parent! Hence the presence in such families unwritten rules: “the father’s word is law in the family; the duty of children is to be obedient to the father’s will,” etc.
3. The possibility of self-justification. Seeing the tears and pain of the child, it is easy to convince yourself and others that the baby is deservedly punished. “He is behaving is unacceptable. He is rebellious and obstinate. I only care about his upbringing. Yes, I’m sorry, too, but I just want him to grow up strong, smart and decent man, and educate them, while the child lies across the benches. Here I some sense into him and knock!” Similar arguments can be heard in all families use physical punishment against children, where generous reproaches, accusations, directions to the stupidity and the futility of their child (as “business” and in order to prevent).
It is clear that in this struggle there can be winners and losers, it is always devastating for the family. This style of relationship is fraught with danger because the FEELING of GUILT to a defenceless child is often transformed into aggression, contributing to the development of hostility and even hatred. More about this great La Bruyere wrote, “People tend to hate those who blame”. (It is understandable. I can’t accept the fact that I’m a bastard, and therefore, it is better to be the villain).
Some of the dads are disengaged from the care of the baby, explaining that care is silly — it is purely a maternal cause, and he will patiently wait for the moment when the baby starts to “something to think!”. Needless to say that then such fathers with disappointment, hurt and surprised to note that the child does not work.
Psychologists say: the sooner you start to establish emotional contact between father and child, the better. The most critical are the early days and weeks! The establishment of such contact is facilitated basic procedures for the care of the baby, diapering, dressing, bathing, massage, exercises, walks, cuddling, etc. With all treatments must be accompanied by conversations with a child (by the way, it is recommended to talk not only from the first days of his birth, but also during pregnancy!). Further the emotional bond between father and child is transformed into tender intimacy. And, as the experience in such families, there is no problem “fathers and children”. In addition, many women have reported that paternal feelings, gentle care for a child make a man more sensitive to his wife. And instead of a crisis in family relationships may come to a real boom.
In conclusion, not evidence, and for thought) I want to give a confession of a woman who trusted me with their story.
“I’ve been married seven years, our daughter is six. When she was born, my husband was in the army. For the past four years, as he persuades me to have a second child, citing the arguments in favor of this step. I object and, accordingly, bring counterarguments. Among them, I give different reasons, but the truth is that I prefer not to disclose before him, is that all my life I felt less loved than with her younger sister. I fear a repeat of this in his own family. I don’t want to let my daughter know that horrible feeling of resentment as the realization that no matter how you try to “earn” love is impossible. You just like or don’t like (in the best case, pretend that I love!). Now, from the perspective of an adult, I realize that mom and dad tried hard to be fair and share the love equally between my sister and me. But I’m quite sure that the love to their own children is not controllable, like the love between a man and a woman. And although the father struggled equally to bestow us with his love, I felt how truly he loved my sister and artificially was gentle with me. I think the reason is that I grew up without it (when I was born, he went to the army and came back — I was already three years). A year younger sister was born. At that time, circumstances in the family was such that the mother went to work, and care for the month the baby was fully vested in the father. I’m quite sure. his extraordinary affection for her due to the fact that he has fostered and nurtured, and coldness to me is the fact that we have divided the three years of separation. To me he was understanding that I was his daughter, which must feed, water, clothe. And for all my life, I couldn’t change…”